Tuesday, July 28, 2015

When Plans Change

My plan was to keep G homeschooling. My plan was to allow P to keep making her own choice on where/how she schooled. My plan was to be able to do all these things that I wanted to do.

Life happens. Sometimes plans need to change. G is going to public school this year. I'm beyond dissapointed in myself, for not being able to deal with all the stress of kids, homeschool, house, wife, and taking care of MIL who needed a place to go. I'm dissapointed, but I'm also so excited.

G is excited to try school. He's excited for new friends and new sights, he's excited for the bus and lunch time. He loved picking out a backpack (Batman, with matching detachable lunchbox....it's pretty awesome), he loved picking out his school supplies and comparing lists and supplies with P. He's even excited for school clothes and shoes shopping over the next couple weeks! G, the kid who hates clothes shopping and treats shoes like they'll give him the plague!!

Maybe this is really for the best. He's so happy, and I'm happy to give him this opportunity to try something new. If it doesn't work out, at least he tried and that's enough for me. I just want my kids to be happy and loved, no matter what!

Monday, July 13, 2015

Dear Depression

I don't talk about my bipolar disorder often, I prefer to keep it to myself. I've spent the past few months under this dark cloud of hell, and I've decided that I need to do something about it, I need to help those who suffer from it too. So, this is my letter to depression...I hope it helps me and others.

Dear Depression,

I hate you. There is NO other way to put it. I've never hated anything as much as I hate you. You make my life hard! You take all the light and leave me with nothing but darkness; feelings of hate, sadness, shame, and fear. You make me have to fight for my life every single day, every hour, minute, second! You pull me down, choking the life from me. You make me feel like an inadequate wife, mother, person...like a waste. I fight so hard to get away, but you always hold tight, refusing to let go. I've fought you and your demons for so long...I honestly don't remember what my life was like before you.
You always bring anxiety with you, making me afraid of everything. I want to go out the door? BAM You're there, like an invisible barrier around the door, preventing me from leaving, preventing me from truly living. You bring feelings of such extreme inadequacy with you, clouding my mind with feelings of I can't and I'm not good enough. I never feel good enough. Someone says I'm a good mom? The darkness in my mind laughs at me; telling me they're lying. Someone says I'm a good wife? Here comes that darkness to laugh at me again.
That darkness is big, it's unending, as large as all the universes in all of time. If I don't fight it will consume every bit of me. If I don't fight the darkness will win. So I continue to fight, I keep pushing forward when all I want is to lay down and say "You win! Just make it stop! " I fight for my husband, my children, myself.
I fight for hope, because there's always hope. Remember that ok? Remember that there is always hope! Hope for the future, hope for a better day, a better hour, a better minute, a better second. I hold onto that hope, because it prevents you from winning.

With love, and hope
Me.