Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Public School So Far

We've had our first parent/teacher conferences of the year. I was really nervous, but I shouldn't have been.

P is doing amazingly, as usual. Her worst grade is a B, and she works so hard at everything! Her teacher loves her, said she was a great student and an even better kid! Such a proud mommy moment!

G is loving school. He's still at a point where they don't do letter grades, as they feel that would be too much about how much they know not how much they're trying. He is having some issues with letters and numbers. They've put him in intervention classes for it, but they do games and active play instead of papers and tests. He's learning, growing, and figuring it out. At this point no one is concerned (ok, no one except me lol) and they just want to make sure he's enjoying school.

Overall everything went well, the kids are very well liked in school and they're loving going!

Friday, September 18, 2015

Time Passes

School has been in session for about a month now. P is, as usual, doing amazingly. G is loving school, just like he said he would! He is needing some extra help, but we recently learned that he may need glasses so that might be the problem....we'll figure it out next week when we schedule an eye appointment for him.

L is learning a lot with one on one attention. He's only 2 (almost 3, but we just won't talk about that lol) and is doing some simple addition and subtraction and learning to read!

With two less kids during the day I've had more time to focus on getting healthier mentally. I'm doing very well, though I do feel an extreme personality shift coming. This time I'm not afraid, because it feels like a good shift, not a bad one. This depression I've been fighting for months is finally going away. I can't wait to see what I am without it again.

Time passes, things change, but it's not something to be scared of....It's something to celebrate.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

When Plans Change

My plan was to keep G homeschooling. My plan was to allow P to keep making her own choice on where/how she schooled. My plan was to be able to do all these things that I wanted to do.

Life happens. Sometimes plans need to change. G is going to public school this year. I'm beyond dissapointed in myself, for not being able to deal with all the stress of kids, homeschool, house, wife, and taking care of MIL who needed a place to go. I'm dissapointed, but I'm also so excited.

G is excited to try school. He's excited for new friends and new sights, he's excited for the bus and lunch time. He loved picking out a backpack (Batman, with matching detachable lunchbox....it's pretty awesome), he loved picking out his school supplies and comparing lists and supplies with P. He's even excited for school clothes and shoes shopping over the next couple weeks! G, the kid who hates clothes shopping and treats shoes like they'll give him the plague!!

Maybe this is really for the best. He's so happy, and I'm happy to give him this opportunity to try something new. If it doesn't work out, at least he tried and that's enough for me. I just want my kids to be happy and loved, no matter what!

Monday, July 13, 2015

Dear Depression

I don't talk about my bipolar disorder often, I prefer to keep it to myself. I've spent the past few months under this dark cloud of hell, and I've decided that I need to do something about it, I need to help those who suffer from it too. So, this is my letter to depression...I hope it helps me and others.

Dear Depression,

I hate you. There is NO other way to put it. I've never hated anything as much as I hate you. You make my life hard! You take all the light and leave me with nothing but darkness; feelings of hate, sadness, shame, and fear. You make me have to fight for my life every single day, every hour, minute, second! You pull me down, choking the life from me. You make me feel like an inadequate wife, mother, person...like a waste. I fight so hard to get away, but you always hold tight, refusing to let go. I've fought you and your demons for so long...I honestly don't remember what my life was like before you.
You always bring anxiety with you, making me afraid of everything. I want to go out the door? BAM You're there, like an invisible barrier around the door, preventing me from leaving, preventing me from truly living. You bring feelings of such extreme inadequacy with you, clouding my mind with feelings of I can't and I'm not good enough. I never feel good enough. Someone says I'm a good mom? The darkness in my mind laughs at me; telling me they're lying. Someone says I'm a good wife? Here comes that darkness to laugh at me again.
That darkness is big, it's unending, as large as all the universes in all of time. If I don't fight it will consume every bit of me. If I don't fight the darkness will win. So I continue to fight, I keep pushing forward when all I want is to lay down and say "You win! Just make it stop! " I fight for my husband, my children, myself.
I fight for hope, because there's always hope. Remember that ok? Remember that there is always hope! Hope for the future, hope for a better day, a better hour, a better minute, a better second. I hold onto that hope, because it prevents you from winning.

With love, and hope

Monday, March 2, 2015

It Isn't Working

We've been unschooling our 5 year old since the public school year started. He's learned a few things, but has pretty much spent every.single.day in front of the T.V. either playing video games or watching YouTube videos of other people playing video games. I decided that unschooling isn't going to work for G. Over 6 months in and he still hasn't self-regulated and shows no signs that he will.
I broke down and started searching for curriculum so that we could try actual homeschooling. A few weeks ago I tried Easy Peasy with him and he loved it...until he just didn't anymore. He got angry that school time meant less video game time and refused to do it anymore. It's beyond frustrating, especially since hubs isn't 100% on board with homeschooling.

I'm not ready to give up, but I'm losing my drive. I'm finding myself more frustrated every day, but I still don't think that public school is best for G. I guess I'll just keep trudging along and hopefully we find something that clicks with him soon!

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Did I Answer Right?

Most people close to me know that although I say don't want more kids, I really do. I want a large family, I want a freaking Brady Bunch! I want the big, split level 70's era home, the nice yard, and the crazy amount of kids. I want to have these things, but I know that it isn't just going to happen, it's going to take time, it's going to take money...a lot of money. I've come to terms with the fact that it probably won't ever happen, at least I'd thought I had.

Two days ago Hubby asked me if I'd like to use some of our tax refund to have my IUD removed. He knows I'm suffering baby fever and that I'd really, really, like to have another child. I told him no. Even though I very much want to have another child, I told him no. We're a 5 person family in a 3 bed/1 bath duplex. It's a good house, but it's pretty small for us as is. I told him I'd like to know what we're doing, where we're going, before we try to have another. He said he knows where we're going...we're going to get a bigger house when our lease is up. Our current home size is a big part of why I don't want to try for another right now, but there's no guarantee that we could find a house that we love with the space that we need!

His question has been sitting in the back of my mind ever since...did I answer it right? Am I making the right decision in waiting? I won't just be able to change my mind in a few months...I would need to use the tax refund to pay for the IUD removal, which means I would have to wait until next year if I don't do it now. I just don't know...it's a hard decision to make, and I really, really hope I made the right one. 

Friday, January 9, 2015

New Year, Another Attempt

Last year I tried to do the Orange Rhino Challenge (no yelling) and failed...miserably. I was able to become much more AP/peaceful over the course of the year, but just couldn't get control of my yelling. This year I've decided to try again!
I managed to make it all the way through the first week without any yelling, and then just failed. Hubs got the kids Mt. Dew slushies and it had a major negative impact on G's behavior and I lost it. I managed to catch myself each time, apologize, and walk away but I still yelled.
I sat down with G this morning and let him know that I was sorry, that it wasn't his fault, and that I'll keep trying to stop yelling but it's much harder than I thought it would be. I grew up in a very yell centered environment, my whole family yelled (still does) all the time, for every.little.thing. It may take me awhile, but I'm determined! He said that it was ok, he knows I'm trying, he understands that his behavior wasn't the best and he apologized and said he'll be trying harder too.
I really, really feel like this ability for us both to admit we were wrong, admit to out faults, apologize, has come from the more peaceful way of parenting that I've been working on for the past year.
I will continue to try. I will be the person I hope to be, the person I see in my head and usually feel in my heart. I won't give up. I won't allow myself to wallow in my failures. I can do this!